Out On The Couch

Understanding Asexuality

Asexuality, often abbreviated as “Ace,” is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of, varying, or occasional experiences of sexual attraction. Because it exists on a spectrum, asexuality is an umbrella term that includes many identities such as demisexual (experiencing sexual attraction only after forming an emotional connection) and grey-asexual (experiencing sexual attraction infrequently or only under specific conditions).

Importantly, asexuality is distinct from celibacy, as celibacy is a personal choice to abstain from sexual activity. Also to note, some asexual individuals will identify with romantic orientations (e.g., gay, bi, straight, queer) to describe their experiences with romantic attraction.

Despite growing awareness, asexual individuals frequently encounter misunderstanding, dismissal, and discrimination, including within therapeutic settings. This guide explores common misconceptions, microaggressions, and erasure experienced by asexual clients and provides actionable steps for therapists to create an affirming practice.

Misconceptions, Microaggressions, and Erasure

Misconceptions About Asexuality

Many myths contribute to the invalidation of asexual identities. Common misconceptions include:

• “Asexuality is just celibacy.” Celibacy is a choice, whereas asexuality is an intrinsic orientation.
• “Asexuality is a phase.” While it is common for members of the LGBTQ+ community to “try out” different titles during self-discovery, sexualities tend to be lifelong experiences. 
• “Ace people don’t have relationships.” Many asexual individuals engage in fulfilling romantic relationships.
• “Asexuality is a disorder or caused by trauma.” Being asexual is not a mental health issue, hormonal imbalance, or the result of trauma. According to DSM-5-TR, all sexual dysfunction diagnoses require the presence of “clinically significant distress” in the lack of arousal, and that isn’t the experience of Ace folks. Pathologizing asexuality is harmful. 

Microaggressions Against Asexual Individuals

Microaggressions are subtle, often unintentional, discriminatory remarks or actions. For asexual individuals, microaggressions may include:

• Dismissing their identity as temporary or incorrect. Many aces hear variations of “You just haven’t found the right person yet,” or “You’ll grow out of it,” which dismiss their identity.
• Suggesting medical or psychological “causes.” As an example, asking, “Have you had your hormones checked?” implies their orientation is a problem to be fixed.
• Invalidating experiences of romantic attraction. Statements like “But I’ve seen the way you look at people!” dismiss asexual identities.
• Linking asexuality to neurodivergence. While some asexual individuals are neurodivergent, suggesting “it’s just because of your ASD” is reductive and dismissive.
• Assuming asexuality equates to a lack of intimacy. Intimacy is not solely sexual; many asexual individuals engage in deep, meaningful relationships.

Ace Erasure

Ace-erasure occurs when people deny the legitimacy of asexuality. Examples include:

• Suggesting asexuality is against human nature.
• Claiming an asexual person “just hasn’t met the right partner yet.”
• Dismissing asexuality as an excuse for avoiding relationships.
• Equating asexuality with a mental illness or trauma response.
• Media neglecting representation or giving incorrect representation.
• Medical research that neglects asexual representation.

How To Be Affirming and Supportive

As a therapist, you play a crucial role in creating a safe and validating space for asexual clients. Here are ways to ensure your practice is affirming:

1. Believe and Validate

If a client comes out to you as asexual, believe them. Avoid questioning or downplaying their identity. Give them a safe space to share their experience with you.

2. Educate Yourself

Take the initiative to learn about asexuality and the unique issues ace individuals face. Learn through reputable sources such as AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network). This reduces the burden on your clients to educate you.

3. Avoid Pathologizing Asexuality

Do not assume asexuality is a disorder or linked to trauma. Instead, ask open-ended questions about their experiences and challenges without implying their orientation is an issue.

4. Respect Relationship Structures

Know that there are different types of attraction, intimacy, and relationships. Understand that asexual individuals may engage in romantic, platonic, or non-traditional relationships. Support their choices without imposing societal norms.

5. Use Affirming Language

Avoid statements that may imply asexuality is negative when someone discloses they are asexual. Use the terms your client prefers to describe themselves and their relationships.

6. Recognize the Impact of Microaggressions

Understand the impact of traumatic invalidation and be mindful of seemingly harmless comments that invalidate asexual identities. If you make a mistake, acknowledge it and commit to doing better. Remember, the more you educate yourself on asexuality, the less likely microaggressions will accidentally enter your interactions.

7. Create an Inclusive Practice

Include asexuality in intake forms and client discussions about identity. Display LGBTQIA+ affirming materials that explicitly include asexuality. Advocate for asexual representation in your field and workplace.

8. Be an Ally Beyond the Therapy Room

Call out ace-erasure and acephobia where you see it. Support asexual-inclusive policies and research in mental health. Foster community awareness about asexual identities.

Creating an affirming space for asexual individuals requires active listening, self-education, and a commitment to challenging misconceptions and biases. By recognizing the impact of microaggressions and ace erasure, therapists and mental health professionals can foster an environment where asexual clients feel validated, understood, and respected. Supporting asexual individuals goes beyond therapy sessions.  It means advocating for policies that include asexual individuals, promoting representation, and fostering awareness in broader social and professional circles.

For further reading, visit AVEN or Stonewall’s Ace Ally Guide.