Out On The Couch
Please note that this article contains content related to sexual trauma.
Together, we have journeyed through the previous articles in this series towards becoming a kink-aware therapist, Depathologizing Kink in Therapy and Kink-Aware Therapy: Consent and Negotiation to discuss kink practices and understand the consent and negotiation tactics that govern them. Buehler (2017) believes we have the power to change the rules about talking about sex in therapy. Additionally, clinicians have the ability to adopt new beliefs about sexuality (Beuhler, 2017). In this article, we will explore the Harris and Hays (2008) stages of acquiring new knowledge about sexuality as a framework for becoming a more kink aware therapist.
Development as a kink-aware therapist
Learning about the fundamentals of kink-affirmative therapy in the last two articles may have challenged your view of what sexual health is. It may have expanded your view of how sexuality intersects with mental health treatment. As a clinician you may have found yourself uncomfortable at the idea of talking about sex or kink with your clients. The idea of kink and trauma being able to intermingle and be healthy may be even harder. You are not alone. What are the consequences when we, the clinicians, don’t have or make opportunities to understand our own sexuality?
Buehler (2017) asks if we are able to call ourselves competent clinicians if we do not assess or treat the entirety of the human experience, including those that are baffling or taboo. Clients who experience shaming or judgment from their therapist may be more likely to terminate early. Harris and Hays (2008) outline a four-stage model aimed at assisting clinicians to find new knowledge regarding sexuality: self-examination, awareness of the problem from the client’s point of view, increased freedom and comfort in discussing sexual topics, awareness of a new level of comfort with clients’ sexual issues. This model gives therapists and other mental health professionals a framework to navigate their own change state. Giving tangible points of expansion and progress allows us to find direction in a time when we may feel most vulnerable as clinicians.
Stage 1: Self-examination of your sexological worldview
Sexological worldview is defined as “the result of the socialization process that is comprised of values, beliefs, opinions, attitudes and concepts specific to sexuality, including any and all sexual behavior and identities.” Understanding your own sexological worldview is the first step to understanding your clients as a kink-aware therapist. This starts with navigating your own worldview, connecting with your inner world so that you can have a more intimate understanding with the things at play in a sexological worldview.
Some questions to ask yourself:
- How did have the following people/institutions influenced your views on sexuality while you were growing up?
- Gender Norms?
- Other systems?
- How do they influence your views on sexuality today?
- What about current friends?
- Past or current partners? (if applicable)
- How has your views on sexuality shifted as you have grown?
- How did your views on sexuality influence your development as an a/sexual being?
- What part(s) of you have conflicting views on sexuality?
- How do you manage any conflicting views?
Our clients’ sexological worldview(s) will likely vary greatly from our own. Buehler (2017) finds this to be true, she states, “because values, beliefs and so fourth come from many sources, including one’s family, school, religion, peers and media as well as through sexual relationships and experiences” (p. 11). The goal is in being able to set those differences and biases aside to meet a client where their worldview is, but first you must know where you and biases reside. The above questions can also be helpful to ask clients to help them explore their sexological worldview.
My Experience of self-examination
In writing about sexological worldview, I cannot help but reflect on my journey to kink positivity, both as a practicing kinkster and as a kink-aware professional. I ask myself, how has my sexological worldview changed and where did I start? For example, as a teenager I remember some of the adults in my life talking about how other moms, “let their daughters dress like sluts” in a shaming way. My belief was that teenage boys loved it when girls wore short skirts. Although I didn’t realize then, but it was confusing; I wanted someone to look at me with desire, but that also made me defective. Thus began the fight between “acceptable me” and “sexual me” and without me realizing it; my sexological worldview was being formed right in front of my eyes.
Stage 2: Awareness of the problem from the client’s point of view
Stage two asks for clinicians to look at each client’s particular presentation of sexual problems when considering dysfunction specifically. It is also important to note that presentation of pleasure will differ from one client to the next as well. The ways in which an individual will present sexual dysfunctions differs greatly from the presentation of grief symptoms for example (Buehler, 2017). The client’s point of view also includes the language that is used from description of sexual acts to anatomical language.
As a kink-aware therapist, we must understand the client’s language and point of view. For example, while some people within the kink community may call themselves tops, others will say dom/domme, the language that each person uses is unique to their sexual expression and at times influenced by their gender or sexuality. With this step, one might find themselves exploring a client’s sexual schema and influences from the micro (how their parents talked to them about sex), to the macro (societal influences and expectations). Hovell et al. (2009) describe the importance of the macro in understanding the variability and impact of environment on the psychological. This means that the social systems that influenced a client’s sexological worldview are relevant to their experiences and expression.
The above questions can also be helpful to ask clients to help them explore their sexological worldview. When we understand our clients schema, we can begin to engage with them from a place of acceptance and understanding rather than assumptions. In addition to the questions above, reflecting back your clients experiences and expressions can be an invaluable tool when understanding your clients point of view. Ask for clarification using their own words to build rapport and safety.
My Experience of gaining awareness as a kink-aware therapist
I can recall being acutely aware of this lesson of schema for the first time as a professional. A colleague of mine shared with me that they were a kinky person and talked about how their experience in kink was influencing other areas of their life. They spoke about their shame and how that was impacting them. For me kink and sex are a knot that is tied together like the impossible knot of headphones (an artifact of the past now) in your pocket. There is no disconnection, That is my schema. This friend never mixes the two and her desire for powerplay and bondage does not end or begin with sexual contact.
My support of her revolves directly around understanding things from her view, rather than my own. If I used my view, I would talk to her about the sexual liberation of kink and relish in ways that through kink you can dominate (pun intended) the patriarchal system by owning your sexual pleasure. None of these things would have brought her closer to processing the shame she was feeling. Kink is not a tool she uses to tap into her sexual being. In fact, I am perpetuating the narrative that her kink is flawed when I use my lens of kink to define hers.
Stage 3: Increased freedom and comfort in discussing sexual topics
The third stage in our quest to find comfort in discussing sexuality and sexual behavior with clients is aimed at just that, comfort and freedom in communication (Buehler, 2017). Sometimes people laugh when talking about sex or may find sharing these details of their life embarrassing. As a clinician you may find it hard to use language associated with sex outside of your day-to-day discourse (Roberts, 2020). I think the ability to role-play with other clinicians is a crucial part of growth and in this stage, essential. Start with your close colleagues and see how it expands, empower yourself to pioneer this conversation with those you are most comfortable with. This increased ability to discuss sexual topics is essential for kink-aware therapists.
My Experience of discussing sexual topics
I have been and continue to be incredibly lucky in this regard. I work along some amazing clinicians that are supporting me through this journey of sex therapy education and they are always there for me to practice discussing with clients. However, what I learned about the way I talk to close people in my life about sex was more impactful. In order to shed the confusion that at times still lingered from my childhood understanding of sexuality I needed to embrace sexual and kink expression. It was not always easy to embrace my own sexual and kink identity in the face of a world that tries to put it in a box high on a shelf that I only get down and dust off when it fits the world’s expectations. So I talked. I talked with my partner, my best friend, my mom, and my colleagues.
Stage 4: Awareness of a new level of comfort with clients’ sexual issues
When entering stage four, you may find a new or renewed comfort in talking to your clients about sex. Harris and Hays (2008) state that the more you talk about sex the more you find that it plays a critical role in mental health. Awareness is a culmination of the other stages working together like well oiled gears. Noticing how your sexual worldview influences you and being open to attuning to your clients sexual worldview is part of operating as an affirmative therapist. Kink practices may not be a part of your sexual worldview, but in stage four you are non-judgmental, comfortable and affirming of where your client is. This is the goal for the kink-aware therapist. Through attunement to your clients needs and experiences, we create safety. Through giving our clients space to be their unapologetic selves, we create space for us as clinicians to claim our own truth.
My Experience of gaining a new level of comfort as a kink-aware therapist
Becoming an advocate for my clients sexual pleasure has given me permission to explore my own with less shame. I have found my own experiences being mirrored in those of my clients. When I give them space to ask questions, share desires and process frustrations, I unintentionally pave the way to increased connection to my own sexual self.
Becoming comfortable with one’s own sexuality and a client’s is a process, you may be noticing that you are at stage 1. That is ok! Give yourself the grace that we ask our clients to afford themselves every day. We are always learning. Be present with your client as they share their experiences and understand their inner worlds. Sex can be as scary as it can be wonderful. Each experience is individual, including the experience of the clinician. Consultation is an invaluable tool in the mental health profession.
No matter where a client is in their healing process, there is a starting point and there are many good resources available to help on the way. Safety, education, and affirmation of experience and desire are non-negotiable limits in therapy and kink exploration. A person’s kink is a feature of their existence, not a flaw.
Resources for the Kink-Aware Therapist
Buehler, S. (2017). What every mental health professional needs to know about sex. New York, NY: Springer Publishing Company.
Harris, S. M., & Hays, K. W. (2008). Family therapist comfort with and willingness to discuss client sexuality. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 34, 239-250.
Hovell, M., Wahlgren, D., & Adams, M. (2009). The logical and empirical basis for the behavioral ecological model. In R. J. DiClemente, R. A. Crosby, & M. C. Kegler (Eds.), Emerging theories in health promotion practice and research (pp. 415–449). Jossey-Bass/Wiley.
Roberts, M (2020). Beond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms. Minneapolis, MN: Fortress Press.
Learn More about Kink Affirmative Therapy
Please note that this article contains content related to sexual trauma.
Surviving sexual trauma can change the way that sexual contact is experienced and enjoyed, and the prevalence of posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms in sexual assault survivors is outrageously high, at around 94% (Chivers-Wilson, 2006). At the same time, rediscovering enjoyable physical contact as a survivor of trauma is possible and empowering. It is is what set me on my journey of practicing sex-affirming therapy and sharing quality sex education.
Sex- and kink-affirming therapy
When kink and trauma intersect in the therapy room, a clinician may wonder where to begin and how to maintain safety as a priority. One can start by understanding what it means to be a sex-affirming therapist. While research on the subject is limited, clinicians are well advised to remain present with clients when they disclose engaging in a practice of kink or other sexual self-exploration. Clinicians can bear witness to clients beginning to understand and accept the rollercoaster of healing, and will need to have familiarity with specifics of ethical kink culture.
This culture includes consent, limits, clear communication, and fun, with a goal of creating space for empowerment. Despite assumptions and erroneous associations in mainstream culture between kink and pathology, no extant research confirms kink practices are harmful to those with a trauma history. Therefore, no basis exists for discouragement or pathologizing of kink practice (Coppens et al., 2019; Richters et al., 2008). In fact, there is no statistically significant difference between kink practitioners and their non-kinky counterparts in terms of a history of traumatic experiences (Coppens et al., 2019).
In a study examining self-identified BDSM practitioners’ experiences in therapy, some participants reported that their therapists required them to give up kink practices in order to remain in treatment (Kolmes et al., 2006). Available research also indicates that many therapists rely on inadequate and/or inaccurate information on BDSM and kink practices (Ford & Hendrick, 2003). Other findings suggest that clinicians are uncomfortable working with kink-identified clients, and may use unhelpful or even unethical practices that ultimately lead to inappropriately pathologizing BDSM practices (Lawrence & Love-Crowell, 2008). This may lead clinicians to ask why, when considering that research shows us that kink practice is healthy and that there is no correlation between kink practice and trauma, we still find oppressive patterns in therapeutic practices.
What influences our beliefs around kink?
It is important to explore why we may associate BDSM and kink with “emotionally disturbed” people. The average individual’s exposure to these practices comes from mainstream television shows, movies, and novelizations.
Barker et al. (2013) explore the multiple and overlapping “healing narratives”–widely defined as engagement in kink related to trauma survival–of BDSM, using plots from the aforementioned media. They caution that the concept of healing narratives may reinforce the misconception that all BDSM practitioners engage in kink practices to address their problems. This concept reinforces marginalization of kink practitioners with a schema of brokenness.
As clinicians, we are likely to discuss with our clients the impact of media consumption on our perceptions of both ourselves and others. Mainstream references to BDSM that immediately come to mind probably include movies like 50 Shades of Gray or Secretary, or episodes of television shows such as Criminal Minds. It is understandable, if we are exposed to and associate our thoughts about kink with these representations, that we would have a limited understanding of BDSM. Hence, it is no surprise that on a wider level, BDSM practices are frequently equated with pathology.
Kink as a healthy sexual practice
Widespread historical teachings around sexuality exist within a framework of shame and continue to influence us today. For example, the 18th century philosopher Immanuel Kant believed that fulfillment of sexual desire is not possible without acting immorally, perpetuating the connection of shame and desire (Shrage & Stewart, 2015).
Differing points of view and beliefs can make thinking about sexuality, shame, and kink uncomfortable. Whether or not this is the case for you, I invite you to ask yourself two questions:
- What if kink is healthy?
- What if kink is a positive thing?
If we could assume both of these things, how would that change the way in which we relate to our own bodies and sexuality? How might these assumptions change the ways in which we relate to our clients’ sexuality and sexual practices?
The World Health Organization (n.d.) has this to say about sexual health: “When viewed affirmatively, [it] requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence.” This passage might inspire us to feel empowered not only to say “no” when we need to–but also to say “yes” to that which brings us pleasure. In the therapy room, we reinforce the power of saying yes by affirming clients’ rights to sexual exploration.
I would be remiss in not reminding us all that often, the consent practices surrounding kinky acts–not the acts themselves–are empowering. Still, some folks might use kink to take back their power and define their self-narrative. While not every trauma survivor will find kink to be an empowering or even appealing practice, I have been fortunate enough to hear the stories of clients who have rediscovered their voices when encouraged to embrace their desires.
Per my first article in this series, creating the expectations of communication, boundary setting, and active consent are all essential to safe and healthy kink practices. These elements can help empower survivors to find their voices in trauma treatment. When clients practice articulating their needs and are met with respect and support, this can positively influence other areas of their lives.
Next steps for sex-positive therapists
Therapists must be lifelong learners, consistently challenging their own beliefs as they face new experiences. Considering the two questions above a little further can evolve into an exploration of the impact of kink suppression and lack of affirmation in the therapy room. If we agree that kink practices are healthy and positive, and evidence shows that psychotherapists can play an active role in oppression, how does this affect our clients?
In her exploration of this topic, Rice (2020) cites that increased anxiety and/or depression, relationship stress, loneliness, development of negative coping skills, outbursts of emotion, irritability, and change in behavior are all among the psychological impacts of suppressing kink identity. When therapists ask or encourage clients to suppress kinky behaviors and/or identities, they not only fail to demonstrate support, but in fact take an actively oppressive role.
It is the responsibility of providers to ensure that they gain a clear understanding of the common practices of consent and negotiation surrounding kink. Taking advantage of ongoing training and continuing education opportunities will help psychotherapists ensure that they are affirming their clients’ desires and practices safely and healthily. In the third and final article in this series, I will continue to explore the process of educating ourselves as practitioners and what it looks like to take steps toward becoming a sex-positive therapist.
Buehler, S. (2017). What every mental health professional needs to know about sex. Springer Publishing Company.
Chivers-Wilson K. A. (2006). Sexual assault and posttraumatic stress disorder: a review of the biological, psychological and sociological factors and treatments. McGill journal of medicine: an international forum for the advancement of medical sciences by students, 9(2), 111–118.
Coppens, V., Ten Brink, S., Huys, W., Fransen, E., & Morrens, M. (2019). A Survey on BDSM-related activities: BDSM experience correlates with age of first exposure, interest profile, and role identity. The Journal of Sex Research, 1-8. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2018.1558437
Ford, M. P., & Hendrick, S. S. (2003). Therapists’ sexual values for self and clients: Implications for practice and training. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 34(1), 80–87. doi:10.1037/0735-7028.34.1.80
Harris, S. M., & Hays, K. W. (2008). Family therapist comfort with and willingness to discuss client sexuality. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 34, 239-250.
Lawrence, A. A., & Love-Crowell, J. (2008). Psychotherapists’ experience with clients who engage in consensual sadomasochism: A qualitative study. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 34(1), 63–81. doi:10.1080/00926230701620936
Kolmes, K., Stock, W., & Moser, C. (2006). Investigating Bias in Psychotherapy with BDSM Clients. Journal of Homosexuality, 50(2/3), 301–324. https://doi.org/10.1300/J082v50n02_15
Nagoski, Emily (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Rice, E. (2020, May 19). The Psychological Impact of Suppressing Kink Identity [PowerPoint Slides]. The Affirmative Couch. https://affirmativecouch.com/product/the-psychological-impact-of-suppressing-kink-identity/
Shrage, L.J., Stewart, S.C. (2015). Philosophizing about sex. Broadview Press.
World Health Organization. (n.d.). Sexual Health. https://www.who.int/health-topics/sexual-health#tab=tab_1
Learn more about kink affirmative therapy in our continuing education courses
Please note that this article contains content related to sexual trauma.
In this article, the first in a three-part series about kink-aware therapy, I will lay the groundwork for practitioners to gain an understanding of BDSM and key concepts such as consent and negotiation. Many may believe that BDSM represents bondage, dominance, and sadomasochism practiced during sex–yet these encompass only a small portion of the practices present in the BDSM and kink communities. After emerging in the late 80s and early 90s, the term BDSM itself has gone through a transformation as of the early 2000s (Taormino, 2012) to become more inclusive.
With the passage of time and availability of content on the Internet, the use of BDSM as an umbrella term has expanded to reflect the history of kink vocabulary and the wide variety of practices it encompasses. These include bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism. While the differences among them may not be immediately clear, these terms are neither mutually inclusive nor exclusive, and kink activity is not limited to sexual experiences.
BDSM has traditionally been pathologized through psychiatric diagnostic manuals such as the DSM (Reiersøl & Skeid, 2006), the effects of which are evidenced by report data. For instance, Kolmes, Stock and Moser (2006) report a concern among consensual BDSM participants that they will receive biased care from mental health professionals. This information was gleaned from a survey administered to both BDSM-involved individuals who have received psychological services and to mental health professionals themselves.
There are a number of reasons why a client might not disclose their participation in kink and BDSM to a provider. Regardless of the context, remaining affirming and empowering combats the classical psychoanalytic and medical traditions of pathologizing BDSM and kink. Because of this, along with evidence suggesting that kinky clients may fear that providers will focus on their “unconventional” sexual desires instead of their concerns, it’s essential that providers become familiar with some basics of kink-affirming therapy.
Moser and Kleinplatz (2004) propose that when therapists accept their clients’ sexuality, clients are empowered to focus on their own concerns rather than defend themselves. The client’s BDSM practices are not “curable,” and any connected distress and dysfunction needs to be understood in the context of discrimination and stigma.
Creating safety in therapy allows clinicians to dispel harmful myths surrounding kink and trauma, and where necessary, to facilitate healing through the basic tenets of kink: consent, empowerment, autonomy, advocacy, and fun. There are two common but contradictory myths, neither more damaging than the other, that prevent many clients from talking about kink with their therapists. Learning about these myths is a way to challenge provider bias, and constitutes a great step toward developing kink awareness. The first is that trauma inherently causes kink, and the other is that you cannot engage in kink if you have a trauma history.
In consideration to the first myth, I refer to a lesson from my undergraduate psychology course regarding a twin sibling study. The study stated that a set of identical twins were separated at birth and both were obsessively clean. When asked why they thought they had this trait, one sibling reported that they had learned it from their adoptive parents. The other stated that their adoptive parents were so dirty that they vowed to never be this way. Perpetuating the connection of experience to meaning not only reinforces shame, but creates a space in which therapists may potentially pathologize a person’s existence. It can be a function of human nature to look back over our lives to find meaning and significance, yet the narratives we choose are not always rooted in a truth of cause and effect. Truthfully, we do not know why individuals develop the fetishes or kinks that they do.
The second myth regarding trauma histories proposes that engaging in kink will cause further harm and will be addressed at length in my next article.
Navigating Kink: The Basics for Kink-Affirmative Therapists
It is important that clients who are first realizing their interest in kink educate themselves before taking action. This is the only safe way to engage in kink. Similarly, therapists require education regarding kink dynamics in order to provide kink-aware therapy and provide a safer space for clients. Consensual kink upholds partner/personal consent, limit setting, and full disclosure of the risks that exist in a kink dynamic, as well as other important considerations that help keep each participant safe.
Let’s explore the extensive communication surrounding consent, limits, safewords, aftercare, and risk awareness that create a foundation for a healthy sexual dynamic.
Here is a terrific guideline to consent that is as easy as FRIESS* from Planned Parenthood (2020). I’ve added an extra S for an important factor you may encourage your clients to take into consideration.
*Sober (C. Cathers, personal communication, November 22, 2020)
Consent is freely given when it does not entail any degree of coercion, threat, or intimidation and it is reversible. This means that consent can be retracted at any time; consenting parties have the right to change their minds. Consent can only be considered informed and specific when every participant is aware of and agrees upon what is going to happen, what would be okay if it happened, what cannot and will not happen, and where, when, and how events are to take place. Think of kink-informed consent like a contract that outlines the expectations and understandings clearly for everyone.
Sober has been added as a reminder that if any participant is under the influence of mind-altering substances, consent cannot be freely given (C. Cathers, personal communication, November 22, 2020).
Within BDSM communities, practices are always understood to be Risk-Aware and Consensual. You may see activities commonly referred to as RACK:
For example, if a client wants to engage in impact play or any other kink activity such as spanking, caning, flogging, etc., that is great! First, it is important to learn some basic human anatomy so they know where it is safe to give and receive impact before they attempt impact play. Education first upholds awareness so that each participant knows how to create an interaction that is safe while still understanding the risks that are involved in any type of BDSM and kink activity.
There are wonderful educational books and Internet-based resources out there. Two of my personal favorites for fun education are SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman and videos by Evie Lupine, which you can find on YouTube. Please keep in mind these are not substitutes for completing accredited CE courses or learning from kink educators, but they are a great start. Remember that risk-aware kink practices are meant to keep everyone safe and enjoying themselves.
Negotiation, if done properly, is a collaboration towards a common goal: each partner’s pleasure. Negotiation always comes before a kinky interaction and includes factors like participants’ wants, needs, and soft and hard limits. Soft limits look like activities one is willing to try under the right circumstances, but that must be discussed and agreed upon before trying. Meantime, hard limits are the ones to which a participant says, “No, I am not interested in trying this at all under any circumstances.”
To unpack this a little further, negotiation is multifaceted and will include information such as the logistics of who will be involved, in what capacity, and in which roles. Everyone’s responsibilities must be considered further through the negotiation agreement. A thorough negotiation will also include safety information, including any injuries or illnesses, triggers, psychological limitations, and safewords. If you have further interest in learning about limits or encouraging a client to discover theirs, there are wonderful tools available; my personal favorite is the The Yes, No, Maybe Workbook by Princess Kali.
Discussing and utilizing safewords is another essential aspect of kink safety. Use of a safeword communicates to all participants that a change or complete stoppage of play is needed. A few recommendations include making sure that the word is something easy to remember, but also something that you would not normally utter during kink or sexual activity. Deciding upon a nonverbal gesture is another important consideration, as some activities render a person unable to speak. Gestures can range from a hand signal to a double tap on one’s partner. Working with safewords can be a great exercise in helping clients learn boundary setting and communicating needs.
When kinky play ends, aftercare allows all participants to feel safe, connected, and cared for. This can facilitate a sense of being grounded, an important factor considering the mental and physical “drop” that is described after the rush of endorphins experienced during play. No matter a participant’s role, drop can be experienced and may include aches and pains, feelings of guilt, and sadness or fatigue. This experience is normal and a routine of aftercare can help restore balance. Aftercare looks different for everyone in the same way that drop does, but often includes cuddling, reassurance, praise, a drink of water, or even a warm bath. It can be helpful to elucidate in the therapy room that asking partners what they need after play lays a foundation for stability and connectedness.
While this article does not comprise a definitive list of all things kink, or even all of the basics, I hope it will serve as a starting point as to why kink is healthy and why we should be talking about it in therapy. In the second part of this series I will explore further how having a kink-aware practice reduces stigma, and how we can increase our comfort in working with kinky clients whose past experiences have included trauma.
A Few General Resources for Kink-Affirmative Therapists:
American Sex Podcast with Sunny Megatron
Learn More about Kink Affirmative Therapy
Kolmes, K., Stock, W., & Moser, C. (2006). Investigating Bias in Psychotherapy with BDSM Clients. Journal of Homosexuality, 50(2/3), 301–324. http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J082v50n02_15
Kleinplatz, P., & Moser, C. (2004). Toward Clinical Guidelines for Working with BDSM Clients. Contemporary Sexuality, 38(6), 1–4.
Reiersøl, O., & Skeid, S. (2006). The ICD diagnoses of fetishism and sadomasochism. In P.J. Kleinplatz & C. Moser (Eds.), Sadomasochism: Powerful pleasures (pp. 243262). Harrington Park Press.
Sexual Consent. (2020). Planned Parenthood. Retrieved November 23, 2020 from https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent
Taormino, T (2012). The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and other Erotic Edge. Cleis Press Inc.
It can be difficult to find guidance on writing effective relationship contracts, largely because the therapeutic community lacks consensus on the efficacy of such documents. Many clinicians believe that contracts serve the purpose of simply negotiating sexual acts and dynamics, and that by creating a contract, clients can sacrifice creativity and spontaneity in a relationship.
But this is a myth. Contracts can go far deeper than addressing what happens in the bedroom, serving as a viable and necessary tool for people in relationships to see and understand each other. Contracts can be created to help begin honest conversations about each individual’s wants and needs within a relationship.
I was first introduced to the concept of intimate relationship contracts in a college course on human sexuality. The version of the contract I initially saw is popular specifically within BDSM communities; it helps clarify the roles and responsibilities of each person in a relationship. When beginning to develop contracts in a clinical or therapeutic setting, you may find overlaps between versions of sexual and intimate relationship ones. An important distinction is that a sexual contract’s goal is responsible “play,” whereas an intimate relationship version strives for an honest and shared understanding of a relationship as a whole.
For an example from pop culture, we might look at the well-known book and film trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey (James, 2012). This provided, to many, an introduction to what an intimate relationship contract can entail. However, those who already had familiarity with contracts might view Fifty Shades’ portrayal as inaccurate and watered down. For example, in the film, only certain parts of the contract were portrayed; to some, these seemed to be the most risque components, which were used to surprise the audience. And in the book version, the contract and relationship overall were more about issues of control and ultimately dominance and submission. But most will find that in reality, relationships are more complex than that.
Note that intimate relationship contracts are not legally binding; there is nothing that the courts would be able to uphold in these documents. So think of these contracts as more of a tool for understanding a partner, setting boundaries, and laying out expectations in writing. The documents give each individual the opportunity to state their desires and interests, and if an issue or argument arises later, both sides can consult the contract to remember what was agreed upon in the beginning.
It’s also important to note that contracts are limited; they are not designed for negotiating every specific point of a relationship. If, during a therapy session, the contract starts to go in that direction, it’s a good time to stop and refocus clients on the reasons for using this tool as a way to get them on the same page.
What might an intimate relationship contract look like? Some contracts contain more sections and logistical information, while others may include more details about expectations. Either way, any contract should include at least several basic sections; these are outlined below. Note that those sections are conversation starters, intended to help your clients move towards more in-depth discussions of their desires and dynamics, and they by no means constitute a complete list of topics. I hope you will be able to use this template to dig deep into your clients’ communication with each other, and to get to the bottom of their preferences.
COMPONENTS OF AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP/ SEXUAL CONTRACT
- Who is involved?
This question may seem obvious, but for couples who are consensually non-monogamous, involvement of other people can make or break the relationship. As a therapist working with couples, I have noted that when clients are connected in an intimate relationship, they sometimes assume they know each other completely, which will lead them to make decisions without consulting each other. This can contribute to confusion, jealousy, and sometimes the end of their relationship. So it’s crucial for clear communication to take place about who will be involved. Note that this of course doesn’t mean changes can’t be made. But now is a good time to discuss how modifications to the contract, like who is or is not involved, can be considered and accepted by all parties.
- What are your hygiene rituals?
This is another important conversation starter: discussing preparations for various sexual acts and for learning each other’s preferences. A person may learn that their significant other is allergic to or strongly favors certain soaps and perfumes. As a cultural norm, some people may bathe every few days, while others will shower daily. Communication about hygiene is key, and as a therapist, you can help address discomfort or shame that may emerge about discussing this topic openly.
- What are your fantasies?
Fantasies aren’t always purely sexual in nature, though this part of the conversation can certainly go in that direction. But your clients may go beyond sex on this topic: fantasies could entail thinking about extravagant dates, a day in which one partner is completely dedicated to the other’s wants and needs, a weekend without the children, etc. Remember that fantasies are thoughts or dreams, not acts in which we will necessarily engage. That is why fantasies change–while the thought of doing something can be interesting and exciting, actually following through with it might be too much for a client. This section can entail a simple conversation between two individuals if they are brave enough to venture through the topic on their own. Therapists can also provide exercises and worksheets to help clients further understand each other’s desires. I like to sometimes use a worksheet by Lisa Page (2010) that helps women in particular to explore and look at some of these desires. Some other counseling methods, like the Gottman method, EFT by Susan Johnson, and sex therapy techniques, among others, can help clinicians learn how to explore topics with couples clients.
- What are the things that you know you are okay with?
Fantasies are thoughts, so in this section, clients will consider actions. What have clients actually done that they enjoy and would like to continue? Again, it’s important for your clients to know so that they can relay this information effectively to their partner(s).
- Interests in exploration?
Another thing to remember about fantasies is that most of them are thoughts or dreams, not something the person has actually engaged in. And that is why fantasies change–because while the idea of something can be interesting and exciting, actually doing it or following through with it can be too much for some.
For components 3, 4, and 5, there is a helpful article on Autostraddle (Osworth, 2014) that describes how to talk to your partners about sex. It includes an excellent set of worksheets that I like to use with individuals and couples to help them learn about themselves in conjunction with their partners.
- Limitations/Hard Limits?
It is important to think about your hard limits, defined as those areas in which a partner is not interested and is not willing to try. Just as it is important to know about an individual’s actions–what they enjoy or are willing to do–it is important to know their boundaries: where they draw the line when it comes to their interests and exploration.
- Safe words/hand signs or gestures?
Sometimes things can get passionate and out of control in erotic situations. Safe words, signs, and gestures are ways of making sure that everyone involved stays on the same page, and that activities remain SAFE and CONSENSUAL. Consent, in this context, entails seeking permission or agreement for an act taking place, and the nuances of the definition of consent continue to evolve. It is important that, as clinicians, we encourage partners to continue to ask for permission, and to never assume that they have the right to do something with a partner because they “think” they know each other well enough.
- How often should sex happen?
A lot of couples can get stuck on the question of how often sex should happen; they might fear being completely open and vulnerable with one another in exploring this difficult topic. As a therapist, it is important for you to encourage a conversation about this. A couple may need to compromise on the frequency of sex in order to progress forward. It is essential for each member of a relationship to gain an understanding of their own sexual desire and libido, which can fluctuate and differ from those of their partners, and this will play a role in determining how often sex takes place. I find that if individuals don’t understand this in themselves, they will have a hard time understanding it in others, which is why it’s helpful to have a facilitated conversation with you as therapist present.
- Who initiates the act?
Who is dominant and who is submissive in the relationship? Does this dynamic apply? Are any of the individuals involved switches? This section can introduce a conversation about who feels most comfortable initiating contact, either in a sexual or an intimate context. By intimate, I mean affectionate, without leading to any sexual acts.
- What type of aftercare rituals are desired?
Aftercare is what an individual needs after a sexual encounter. For some it may be taking a shower, followed by cuddling while falling asleep together. Others may want to eat ice cream or have a smoke, while still others might just want to get dressed, eat something, and move on with life. Whatever the case, it’s important to know what each person seeks after an encounter so that wrong assumptions can be avoided.
Communication is the basis for working on these issues and concerns. In order to truly understand and know each other, couples need to be ready and willing to communicate and learn from each others’ wants and needs, and contracts are a vital tool to help with this process. By starting this conversation early in the relationship and continuing to have the support to discuss their desires throughout, clients may feel significantly safer about communicating openly in the future.
Learn More about working with Polyamorous Clients
Gray, J. (June 14, 2016). How to Write a Relationship Contract. Retrieved from www.jordangrayconsulting.com/relationship-contract/
James, E.L. (2012). Fifty Shades of Grey. New York: Vintage Books.
Osworth, A.E. (June 19, 2014). You Need Help: Here is a Worksheet to Help you Talk to Partners about Sex. Retrieved from www.autostraddle.com/you-need-help-here-is-a-worksheet-to-help-you-talk-to-partners-about-sex-237385/
Page, L. (2010). Sexuality and Fantasy Exploration Worksheet for Women. Retrieved from https://lisapage.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/sexuality-fantasy-exploration-workbook-by-lisa-page.pdf